Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds