Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.