Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Made something I’m not proud of
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet