Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.