all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Meme Monday.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.