My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium