me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.