Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
HR said no more nunchucks.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!