5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I think they could have phrased this better
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password ex…
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today