I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I will never stop laughing at this
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Investing in beetcoin
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one