Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.