Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.