Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Oh my God.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
British websites use biscuits.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too