I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit