I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Has science gone too far?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
wish me luck lads
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.