When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.