Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody