Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
#CatsOnTwitter
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
ouch
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex