Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog