me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You Might Also Like
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
i love modern commerce
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.