Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake