Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Every time.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to