Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Home #decor warning.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.