PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
thinking about a very short hotdog
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.