If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero