is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You Might Also Like
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.