He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids