exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*