I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels