[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Siri: Retweet me.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.