Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60