“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
You Might Also Like
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
“You’d better run, egg!”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.