who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Liquor Store Parking
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*checks Timeline*…
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Would you wear it?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.