Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda