Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.