So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
OKAY DAD
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.