“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid