Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
you will never know the true number of layers
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.