Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad