SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*aggressively waits in line*
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.