6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?