*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You Might Also Like
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?