take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.