dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Two types of dogs.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me sliding into hell like
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.