If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Tuesday
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”