From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You Might Also Like
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”