I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?