Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.