Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Natural selection at its finest
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday