Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I laughed at this way too hard.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I am a gravy boat captain
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid