I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit